Why do things that seem so right turn out to be so wrong?

Sometimes you think you are doing the right thing. Sometimes it seems so right. Then, you do whatever it is and it really isn’t. Yesterday I had a job interview (finally) for a job (that I’m not even really qualified for) and got only an interview through Mr P’s networking. Last minute meeting. Got talking to the interviewer and talking about teaching and registration etc. She was very unsure about the whole process but was thinking of getting on board with qualified teachers. I was thinking on it last night and Mum and I had a discussion about it. I had a brainwave and just on an informative level thought I would call her to discuss. Being proactive and all that. The tone in her voice was horrible. I sit here in tears after a 1 minute and 11 second phone call with someone who may have employed me. I feel like those hopes are gone. I feel like a piece of shit on someones shoe after a minute long phone call. I put myself out there and again I feel shot down. 

I always make decisions that seem to be the wrong ones. I always come out worse off. What seems so right always ends up being so wrong. 

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War

Sobbing on my mothers shoulder as a teen, I blubbed about being scared that everyone would have to go to war. Now, in my late twenties, I am as equally and wholly terrified of war. I am terrified of all the innocent lives being unreasonably lost. I am terrified that people I know and love will have to go to war. I am terrified that those same people will see things that they cannot ever un-see or worse. Die. I am scared of the long lasting and immediate devastation that war causes. 

These days, I can’t even remember what war that was that I was worried about in my teens. I think it was in Iraq or similar. Regardless, a civil war. But a war all the same. I think now in my understanding I get that no one I loved was going to have to go, but that all of my other fears would still happen and can be justified. With these Malaysian flights going down and the warfare over the Palastine / Israel ‘land’ and the increased talk of world war, I am back to being terrified again. 

I’m not talking just a fear in my head. This fear is expressed in shaking, sleepless nights, grumpiness, stress and attachment to everybody I love.

I just hope that Russia has a very good justification up its sleeve and that Israel can keep lives being lost to a minimum and that everybody else can try and come up with peaceful resolution. Wishful thinking but I really need some sleep. 

I’m fine

When did being lonely become a four letter word?

I don’t know how many times I’ve said ‘I’m fine’ lately, when loneliness aches inside. ‘Fine’ that reeks of wanting somebody to stop and listen, take an interest. Fine that is tinged with sadness and longing for someone to just stop and say, ‘no you’re not’. I’m fine is tinted with a whisper of need.

When did I’m fine become the standard response when clearly that is not the case?

Paradise

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit down in the dumps for various reasons. I think, that in part, its been due to having to do everything around the house. 2 other people who are more than capable live here and yet I get home every night after work and they are in bed, and nothings been done. I make their dinner and everything.

Literally the minute I got home yesterday, I plonked my bag on the table and went and got the vacuum cleaner and vacuumed and cleaned for more than an hour. This morning, I got up and did the same. Then, feeling a little more contented, I got my bike out. Now, this bike is so fondly named Rustang (by the previous owner) and lovingly nick named Rusty by me. It’s name is obvious as soon as you see the bike. But, its a hard slog riding that thing down the road. But, I rode and rode and rode all the way to the beach. The sunshine, the cool breeze, the clear blue water, knowing a clean house would be awaiting me when I got home. I felt totally refreshed and calm. I took a quick snap on my phone and I think that I will be visiting this little bit of paradise again tomorrow.

Yes man

I’ve always been a ‘yes man’. Or rather, a yes wo-man. I say yes. To everything. It’s time to say no. 

Yesterday at work, I got walked all over. As I generally do. But yesterday, I came home in tears, stressed to the max and over it. Co-workers, customers and management had walked all over me. Things had to change. 

I came home and things were no better. In fact, they seem worse. Things still had to change. 

I’ve decided today is the day. Its ‘no’ time.